Hi, I’m bi. I never, ever would have thought it a million years that I would be telling everyone about this side of me that I have hid for the majority of my life. And let me just say when I say the majority of my life, I mean it. I have known that I was into both men and women since I was in kindergarten, and ever since I came to this realization I have been having an internal war within myself.
I felt dirty, I felt wrong, and I felt like it was shameful. I am a millennial, but for the better portion of my life I grew up in a world that looked at gay people with disgust. The world that we live in now is so different from what I grew up in. Being gay wasn’t “normal.” People couldn’t live their truth freely without opening themselves up to discrimination and hate. Because of the world that I grew up in I was terrified of coming clean about this small portion of who I was. I didn’t want my friends and family to look at me differently. I didn’t want anyone to look at me in terror and question me. I didn’t want people to think that I was different from the Brookana that they have always known. So I just did what I could to hide it. I tried to camouflage it by becoming an “ally” for the community of people that I was a part of. I was never homophobic to anyone with the exception of myself.
Things started changing for me when I became more comfortable with myself. I have been in a relationship with a man for eleven years, and he is wonderful. But I have realized that just because I am in love with a man doesn’t mean that I am automatically “straight.” I am still bi, and I always will be bi.
I told my husband, (boyfriend at the time,) that I was bi about fiveish years ago. He was the first person that I flatout told, and at first, he did not take it well. I think it surprised him but also made him feel uncomfortable that I was also attracted to women. After a while he got used to it and we never really talked about it again. My best friend was the second person to find out. She always kind of knew that I was curious, but she never really knew that I was actually bi until a couple of years ago. I am so lucky to have my husband and my best friend. I was terrified telling them about this side to myself, but they have been incredible. Especially my best friend. I was mostly worried about her finding out because I didn’t know how it would affect our relationship, but I should have given her more credit because our relationship is exactly the same.
I started toying with the idea of becoming more free about it when someone that I love so incredibly much let it be known about their extreme homophobia. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I figured that now would be the time to put things in perspective. I asked them if I was into women if it would make them see me any differently or if they would stop loving me and they said no. Then I told them that I have kissed a girl before and he never knew but he has always loved me the same. It is a part of who I am, but a small part, and apparently their views are starting to change. Not too long after that conversation they asked me in front of another person if I was bi and I just froze. I lied and said that I was fluid. I was too scared.
But now here I am. Telling my family and the rest of my friends the truth. Hi, my name is Brookana, and I am bi.