There are going to be parts of you that others wish didn’t exist.
I have spent most of my life being internally pleased with who I am. I am a complicated soul with many flaws and faults, but my positives, oh my positives, they know how to shine.
One thing that I didn’t think would be so problematic, especially in the world that we live in today, was me announcing my sexuality.
I would like to get one thing straight (haha, not me.) I didn’t tell everyone that I was bisexual for anyone but for myself.
I have walked around for the majority of my life gasping for air. I had this secret, this secret that I was so ashamed of. It was this internal war where I was battling this small, minute part of who I am because I grew up in a time where being interested in the same sex was “wrong” or “disgusting” or “against the will of God.” I would have these thoughts that would literally keep me up at night in regards to my sexuality.
“Could I actually see myself in a relationship with a woman? No that’s weird.”
“All I have ever had are boyfriends so maybe I am just straight.”
I would imagine myself living a life with a woman as my partner and I would also talk myself out of ever wanting something like that. As much as I supported the LGTBQ+ community and wanted everyone to thrive in it I couldn’t allow myself to fully accept the notion that I was apart of that community as well.
Then one night I had an epiphany. I was bi and I had no reason to not accept that. Did it make me out to be a monster? No. Do I deserve to go to Hell? Well, first of all, I don’t believe in a Hell, but secondly, even if I did I know that I do not deserve to be punished for all of eternity just because of my sexual orientation.
When I started telling people, and when I wrote my “Hi, I’m Bi” piece, the moment that I published it felt like the cleanest air that has ever existed entered my body. I felt lighter. I felt like I could breathe. It was magical. Sure, it is just one small part of me, but it is still a part of me. I wasn’t afraid of how people would react, I was excited that I no longer had to ignore that part of myself anymore. It took a lot of energy to pretend that that part of me didn’t exist.
I thought that in today’s world acceptance would be a non-issue. If I could go back in time I would laugh at myself and just say “just you wait, you dumb bitch.” Has everyone supported me? HA. Fuck no. The people who I thought would text me or call me to tell me that they were proud of me or that they loved didn’t bother to bring it up. With that being said, the people who did support me REALLY supported me. I had people who I hadn’t heard from in ages tell me that they were proud of me. I had people reach out and tell me that they will always love me no matter what. I had friends tell me that it doesn’t matter, I am still the same Brookana that I have always been.
See, here is the thing. You are going to make choices and live out decisions that people who you are involved with don’t agree with. I have had someone tell me that I should have never shared my bi-sexuality publicly because there wasn’t a point. But that is the thing. There was a point, and that point was to help me. That point was to show other people like me that you don’t have to keep secrets if you don’t want to. If you want to breathe, then breathe.
I am bi-sexual.
I am moderately tattooed and pierced.
I am opinionated.
My religion is Wicca and I practice witchcraft.
I never finished college.
I write for a living.
I am going to attempt to open my own business.
I have been with my partner for eleven years and we have been married for four. We are both each other’s first true relationship.
I have five animals in a house that isn’t very large.
We are actively trying for kids.
I am sarcastic.
I don’t enjoy surrounding myself with people constantly because I get emotionally drained quickly.
I am an empath.
I have 1,000 ideas and I want to enact every single one.
There are so many little parts of me that a lot of people don’t understand, and that’s okay. Truthfully, the world doesn’t need to accept you. You need to accept you.