My Mind and the Lack of a Middle Ground

Hi everyone. It has been a while. Nobody likes to hear excuses for anything, and I am included in that, but I would just like to give you a super brief explanation of my whereabouts. I opened a new business, The Witches Abode, and it sure has kept me busy. I love it though. I get to be creative and work on my craft and interact with amazing people on a daily basis. Everything that I have ever wanted as a small business owner is coming to fruition, and every day I wake up feeling more and more fortunate. I also have been working behind the scenes on a super-secret project which I hope to be announcing within the next month or two. Now, unfortunately, with all of this good in my life, there also needs to be some bad, because there always needs to be some sort of balance. 

One thing that is truly starting to trouble me is I feel like I have never been properly diagnosed when it comes to my mental illness. First, I was diagnosed with depression. Then I was diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar disorder. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. Then, my most recent diagnosis is clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD. You see, I never thought that bipolar disorder was something that I had because I never really thought that I had manic episodes. I was always just very depressed with suicidal tendencies, but I never went up and down with my emotions. I am starting to realize that maybe I have had manic episodes, but I just never knew what they were.

The past couple of months have been a rollercoaster. I am ashamed to admit that I haven’t been taking my medications, which include Lexapro and Abilify, regularly. I don’t know what it is. I feel like I am starting to feel better so I stop taking them, and then I wonder why I come crashing down. I have started questioning life again. I have started having major anxiety attacks because I feel like I am not doing anything perfectly. I lay on the couch sometimes and list off all of the things that I should be doing but I can’t bring myself to do them. I have thought about self-harming. I haven’t purposely done anything to myself in about a year now, but there have been moments where I was shaking because I wanted to so bad. So instead of hurting myself in a negative way, one night while I couldn’t sleep, I bought a stick and poke tattoo kit. And when that kit arrived in the mail was when I knew something was wrong.

You see, I feel so much pressure that it almost feels indescribable. I am trying to work on The Witches Abode, I am trying to work on my secret project, I am trying to maintain my home and tend to my plethora of animals. I am trying to take care of my husband and try to have a social life that I can be happy with. And I am also trying to take care of myself. Well due to the pressure that I feel and my obvious lack of coping skills, I started to crumble. I became fragile. So instead of hurting myself in a negative way, I started tattooing myself. Then, before I knew it, three weeks went by and I have gained fifteen new tattoos. Fifteen tattoos that I did to myself as an inexperienced tattoo artist. And that is not to mention the three new piercings that I have gotten (by professionals) within the past two weeks. Let’s go back to the tattoos though. Now I am fortunate that I love every single one with the exception of one, and I have already been in contact with my tattoo guy to get that atrocity covered up, but fifteen tattoos in three weeks is worrisome due to what it represents. Each of those fifteen tattoos was done to prevent myself from self-harming. 

I believe that I have been in a manic episode, and I believe that I am finally starting to come down. I have spent money that I should not have spent, I have done things to my body that I probably should have spaced out more, and, to be frank, my sex drive has been even higher than it already is. I just know something is different, and I really think that there is something going on.

I have been talking to my therapist about this, and we have devised a plan to help me with my coping skills. Luckily, I do have a lot of work that I need to focus on, so instead of tattooing myself, I will just work on my business and on my secret project instead. I am behind on my project, so I need to use my time wisely to catch up on that. Also, I have a huge event that I am doing for The Witches Abode in December, and I need to work on that. I also have a new contract as a freelance writer so the assignments will help keep me busy. Luckily, I have work to occupy my mind. 

I think the thing that is scary to me is the fact that I am never just living and enjoying life. I am either so depressed that I can’t leave my bedroom or I am so elated that it doesn’t feel like reality. And when I feel like I am not in reality there is a part of me that tells myself to calm down, but I almost lose control over myself and my actions. It is an odd experience and I feel like a lot of people like feeling manic but I hate it. I hate to not feel control over myself. 

Anyways, I am working towards being more balanced when it comes to my mental illness, and I remain hopeful that one day I can feel somewhat normal if normal even exists.

Acceptance.

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There are going to be parts of you that others wish didn’t exist. 

I have spent most of my life being internally pleased with who I am. I am a complicated soul with many flaws and faults, but my positives, oh my positives, they know how to shine. 

One thing that I didn’t think would be so problematic, especially in the world that we live in today, was me announcing my sexuality. 

I would like to get one thing straight (haha, not me.) I didn’t tell everyone that I was bisexual for anyone but for myself. 

I have walked around for the majority of my life gasping for air. I had this secret, this secret that I was so ashamed of. It was this internal war where I was battling this small, minute part of who I am because I grew up in a time where being interested in the same sex was “wrong” or “disgusting” or “against the will of God.” I would have these thoughts that would literally keep me up at night in regards to my sexuality. 

“Could I actually see myself in a relationship with a woman? No that’s weird.”

“All I have ever had are boyfriends so maybe I am just straight.”

I would imagine myself living a life with a woman as my partner and I would also talk myself out of ever wanting something like that. As much as I supported the LGTBQ+ community and wanted everyone to thrive in it I couldn’t allow myself to fully accept the notion that I was apart of that community as well. 

Then one night I had an epiphany. I was bi and I had no reason to not accept that. Did it make me out to be a monster? No. Do I deserve to go to Hell? Well, first of all, I don’t believe in a Hell, but secondly, even if I did I know that I do not deserve to be punished for all of eternity just because of my sexual orientation. 

When I started telling people, and when I wrote my “Hi, I’m Bi” piece, the moment that I published it felt like the cleanest air that has ever existed entered my body. I felt lighter. I felt like I could breathe. It was magical. Sure, it is just one small part of me, but it is still a part of me. I wasn’t afraid of how people would react, I was excited that I no longer had to ignore that part of myself anymore. It took a lot of energy to pretend that that part of me didn’t exist. 

I thought that in today’s world acceptance would be a non-issue. If I could go back in time I would laugh at myself and just say “just you wait, you dumb bitch.” Has everyone supported me? HA. Fuck no. The people who I thought would text me or call me to tell me that they were proud of me or that they loved didn’t bother to bring it up. With that being said, the people who did support me REALLY supported me. I had people who I hadn’t heard from in ages tell me that they were proud of me. I had people reach out and tell me that they will always love me no matter what. I had friends tell me that it doesn’t matter, I am still the same Brookana that I have always been.

See, here is the thing. You are going to make choices and live out decisions that people who you are involved with don’t agree with. I have had someone tell me that I should have never shared my bi-sexuality publicly because there wasn’t a point. But that is the thing. There was a point, and that point was to help me. That point was to show other people like me that you don’t have to keep secrets if you don’t want to. If you want to breathe, then breathe. 

I am bi-sexual.

I am moderately tattooed and pierced.

I am opinionated. 

My religion is Wicca and I practice witchcraft.

I never finished college.

I write for a living.

I am going to attempt to open my own business.

I have been with my partner for eleven years and we have been married for four. We are both each other’s first true relationship.

I have five animals in a house that isn’t very large. 

We are actively trying for kids. 

I am sarcastic.

I don’t enjoy surrounding myself with people constantly because I get emotionally drained quickly.

I am an empath. 

I have 1,000 ideas and I want to enact every single one. 

There are so many little parts of me that a lot of people don’t understand, and that’s okay. Truthfully, the world doesn’t need to accept you. You need to accept you.